"Pronounced dead"

Why do people are always "pronounced" dead? What's the alternative? Spelled d-e-a-d?

Too embarrassing to watch...

Now you know why the statue of justice wears a blindfold – it is too embarrassing to watch the Anna Nicole Smith trial.

My joke on Craig Ferguson show

One of the Hillary jokes I've posted yesterday morning was used last night by Craig Ferguson on his CBS Late Late Show:

"It’s a great day for America, not such a great day for Barack Obama and Hillary. They’re at it already. They’re fighting they’re feuding, Why can’t they just shake hands and say, "May the best man win.” "

Now, don't get me wrong -- I really like and watch Ferguson regularly and I don't imply at all that he took that joke from me. Frankly, I am sure Craig is not even aware that this brand new blog exists.

But I'm still tickled pink to hear one of my own jokes repeated on air by a great standup on a great show. It's a great feeling. I wish him well.

(BTW -- Craig, I'd love to write for you one of these days. Seriously. Just drop me a line.)

Have you habbed yourself today?

How come we never hear any celebrity checking into a Habbing Clinic?

Are rehab clinics for repeating habbers?

Hillary and Obama

Hillary and Obama are going at it! Let the best man win.

The French

Swarms of giant hornets renowned for their vicious stings have entered France but made a U-turn as soon as they established contact with the French.

Chevy and the Lady

You go through this highway toll in your ten-year old Chevy, pitying the old Indian lady inside the toll booth, shivering in the cold. And then, a week later, while waiting at the red light, a car pulls up right next to you. It's a spanking new Mercedes Benz. And the old Indian lady is behind the steering wheel, looking straight ahead.

What do you think then?

[A true story.]

Parking Blues

You are late to this important job interview and the only available TWO spots in the parking lot are taken up by this thousand-dollars worth of crappy Honda Civic with ten thousand dollars of stereo equipment on it, and parked DIAGONALLY right across both spots…

Don’t you feel like shooting the guy?

Soccer in Germany

Did you know that there is a baby boom in Germany nine months after the soccer World Cup? It's the only country in the world where the whole nation scores together with their team.

Obama and Hillary

The Obama-Hillary rivalry is getting nasty. Hillary is mad that Obama has the better tailored pants.

Democrat Senator Barack Obama had a very successful fundraising dinner in Beverly Hills the other day. According to first reports, the Senator has raised 1.3 million dollars. But as it turns out, that was just the tip he left for the waitress.

Clintons are in big trouble because Hollywood has decided to support Obama. This spells disaster for Hillary's campaign finance and Bill's sex life.

Obama was the star of a $2,300 dollars-a-plate fundraiser in Beverly Hills. $2,300-a-plate… and that did not even cover the food. That's what I'd call "to be in touch with ordinary folks," don't you think? (Is this a cross-marketing trick inflicted upon the unsuspecting American public? I mean, Jim Carrey's new movie "Number 23" is opening in 2.3 days!)

Babel

It's a story about a total breakdown in human communication and how it makes life hell for all of us. No, I'm not talking about the Oscar Nominee film THE BABEL. I'm talking about the Democrats and Republicans in Congress.

Stars, Dancing

CBS has launched a new show to counter ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." It's called "Lap Dancing with the Stars."

City of Las Vegas proposed partnership to CBS for a new service: "Drive-Through Lap Dancing with the Stars."

Court TV is rising up to the challenge with its own "Arrested with the Stars."

And a new channel will debut in Spring for the chemically challenged: "Rehabbing with the Stars."

Not to be outdone, Donald Trump launched his own competing show: "Prancing with Donald."

Did you know that Donald Trump's most favorite dancing partner is himself? He has patented the "Ghost Dancing" technique.

Libby

There are exciting things to watch these days… like the amazing story of this guy who makes a pact with the devil and his head erupts into a ball of fire and tries to jump over amazing hurdles… No, I'm not talking about the Nick Cage movie "Ghost Rider." I'm talking about Scooter Libby.

What's happening to American politics? How can you run this country with guys named like "Scooter" or "Mitt"?

Gore Warming Up

After that terrible cold spell, the weather is warming up again. Al Gore not only cancelled his refunds but signed up three new college gigs as well.

Celebrity

What's up with all these celebrities getting into trouble with the law all day long? Ray Liotta, Stallone, Daniel Baldwin, Nichole Richie... Is "celebrity" just a different name for the "legally challenged"?

Back to Britney

Britney is back, wearing a blonde wig. What the...? She said she didn't like her hair dresser's particular shaving style. She said she will try another and more mature "shaved look" when her hair grows long enough to support the blade.

Britney Spears has checked into a rehab clinic but no one will admit on record that she is an alcoholic or a drug addict. So why is she there? To beat the urge to shave or get tattoos?

Primates of the Anglican Church

Tanzania, Africa

I'm not making this one up...

According to the dictionary, a "primate" means " a mammal like a human or a monkey with flexible hands and feet."

A "primate" is also what a high-ranking official of the Anglican church is called.

So I guess to have flexible hands and feet is not enough to solve the problem of gays and women within the Anglican church.

What do the mammals with "flexible minds" are called?

And what kind of a stark raving lunacy is it to hope that a church in Tanzania (for God's sake!) will solve the problems of the Episcopelians in Falls Church, Virginia? Have these folks ever traveled to Tanzania and do they have any idea about the living and social conditions over there? It's not exactly a Jeffersonian democracy, you know... What's got into the drinking water of the Episcopelians of Virginia?

While the Tanzanians are trying to grab a visa and hop on the next plane to JFK, American Episcopelians are checking out the house prices in Dar-el-Salaam. Beautiful.

Falls Church, Virginia

Watch out -- it may be a divine joke that the Anglican churches in Virginia are located in a town named "Falls Church." Something is falling. And it's the whole church.

Perhaps they need a traffic sign in the streets of Falls Church, VA similar to those "Caution! Rocks Falling" signs. "Caution -- Church falling!"

Or a British bumper sticker -- "I'd rather be a Tanzanian than gay"

How about "Tanzania or bust"?

How many Anglican Primates does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to fly down to Tanzania and another to ask the Tanzanians to change it for him (since it cannot be "her").

When American Episcopelians cannot make peace with the British Anglicans, how do the American and British forces in Iraq expect the Shiites and the Sunnis make peace?

Miscellaneous Incredulities

John McCain has flip-flopped his way from a great promise to an also-ran. He became Ben Affleck of politics.

Australia has announced it will ban incandescent light bulbs in three years to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. California will follow suit if and when the Governor can pronounce "incandescent."

Hairy Prenups

Britney Spears' hair is put up for sale for a cool million dollars by her hair dresser -- which inspired a new article for celebrity prenuptial contracts: The hair. Celebrity attorneys are now working on nose clippings.

After Britney's hair was put on sale for a million dollars, Burt Reynolds had his toupee included in his prenup.

"Unsafe marriage" is a Hollywood marriage without a prenup -- more dangerous than unsafe sex.

(What an idea – Hair-a-Thon! Top 10 Celebrities shaving their heads and donating the e-bay proceeds of their hair to a worthy cause of their choice.)

Donald Trump signed a prenuptial with -- his own hair.

NASCAR and Satellite Radio

Have you watched the NASCAR Daytona 500? What a mess, with all those cars smashing into one another and killing off each other's chance to win. Reminded me of the Democrats in an election year.

The two satellite radio giants, Sirius (that owns the Howard Stern show) and XM (which features Oprah), have decided to merge into a single company. The new entity will offer "Howard's Porno DVD of the Month Club" and a new show called "Hoprah" in which best-selling authors and distinguished Harvard professors will strip buck naked.

Anna, Cold, Global Warming

Anna Nicole Smith's $700 million inheritance ain't much. It'll be all gone when her daughter buys gifts for all her dads on the next Father's Day.

It was so cold today Al Gore gave refunds.

Global warming is as certain a fact as Hillary Clinton wearing a pant suit on any given day.

JetBlue

The U.S. Government has shut down Guantanamo and adopted a new detention policy -- each prisoner gets a ticket for a JetBlue flight.

Actor Ralph Fiennes has joined the "Mile-High Club" by making love to a stewardess on a Qantas flight. If he did it on JetBlue, he would have joined the "Tarmac Club."

JetBlue has officially changed its name to JetBlew.

Did you know that "JetBlue" means "Sits On Its Ass" in Cherokee?

JetBlue planes may have a problem leaving the ground but they are not the safest in the industry for nothing.

Britney, Donald

Britney Spears' hair is sold on e-Bay. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump has also listed his hair on e-bay -- under "exotic pets."

Britney Spears -- a train wreck with a single train.

Britney is so out of control, the judge decided to give the custody of her child to Michael Jackson.

Did you know that Donald Trump's hair...

• has formed an exploratory committee for 2008 presidential race?
• is eligible for tax deduction because it is listed as a "dependent" on his tax form?
• is listed on e-bay under "exotic pets"?